Clarity (redux)

(Based off a longer, and much more poorly written, essay)

I can't say that 2020 was the worst year I had lived through, but it was one of the worst. In less than 3 months, things fell apart for everyone. The COVID-19 pandemic changed everything. Political and social strife affected people more than I thought it would have. Social distancing became social isolation for some. But even smaller, more personal things affected everyone, myself included.

My social life (in the sense of finally having one) was more or less destroyed. I started working from home, losing yet another avenue of socialization. I spent way too much time looking through social media, comparing myself to my friends and family, and always feeling more lonely (and honestly, worthless) than before. The feeling of isolation led to me getting lost in my thoughts, often negative ones. I began to feel that I had no purpose in life, and that I really hadn't accomplished anything. At 30, I felt I was simply going through the motions, and that this would continue until the end, for no good reason. It was a pretty hopeless situation that I felt that I'd never get out of. Fortunately, I've been digging myself out of that rut.

I began to realize that I had accomplished a lot in the past 2-3 years. Graduating, starting my career, moving across the country, losing 70 pounds, getting my mental health in order... all that, and more, were the things I didn't give myself credit for. I had accomplished more than I realized. Honestly, just making it to 2021 intact is something I'm proud of!

During this year, I also realized that there were people that truly care about me, much like I truly care about them. I had friends and family behind me, pulling me back up when I was down, keeping in touch more often that I had ever expected, and making sure that I felt as comfortable around them as they felt around me. Of course, I did the same, being there for friends and family the way they were there for me. For the first time in a very long time, I felt loved. I felt accepted. Even socially distant, I felt closer to my friends and family than ever before. No longer did I feel like an interloper in a group of acquaintances. I finally felt like I belonged. And I still feel that way.

I'm glad I made it to 2021, and I hope to make the most of this year.